Today was a very tumultuous day for me. After many years probably I was dis-arrayed and wanted to be uncontrolled for some reasons. For the first time in life didn’t think whether I was right or wrong, because within inside I knew that we cannot decide what is wrong and what is right. Being in the mortal world I have this advantage of being oblivious to the truth, the absolute truth, and this in many ways has helped me develop a kind of cushion which I use to comfort myself for many different reasons. Today, however, I didn’t want to use that cushion. I wanted to experience the thorny reality; I wanted to be a part of the hard process of appraising myself in the war that we call as life. I never imagined that a sort of an escapist like me would dare to take this rebellious way of refuting myself and be brutally honest to myself, even if it is harming me. Today I wanted to be really myself, and by God I was in my full flow.
After the office, after discharging my professional duties, took the way to home, but there was a kind of weight carrying on my heart. Didn’t know why, and didn’t want to know why. Sometimes, I think I don’t even know something that is going on inside me, because staying with machines probably I have forgotten my system. However, it may happen with anybody, and I am not blaming any one for this thing that I have, because honestly, I love it. Machines don’t lie, machines don’t bother you with their emotions and they remain loyal to you. However, having said that, I know that I am of a different breed, and today this machine wanted to be a human. After many days, months and years probably felt the human necessity. Usually, I am a person, honestly who would try to blanket few things under light humor (if that is understood at all by anyone). Today, I couldn’t do that. Don’t know why, don’t know how. Sometimes, you require a kind of outburst, a kind of discharge from yourself and this is what I decided to do. Taking refuge of any kind of vices would have been a kind of indication that I was weak, and I didn’t want that to happen at all. So what did I do?
Well, after I came out of the office at around 9:00 PM I took a cab to Marine drive and there I sat for two hours. Don’t know why, but started shedding tears. The skylines of Malabar hills just watched me,the ignited board of SANYO and the lights of the queen’s necklace wanted to highlight my state to all but the soft breeze of the sea just covered whatever was coming out of inside. Probably it knew that this is a portion of me, I didn’t want to show off. However, today was a different day. I was not crying due to sorrow, I wasn’t crying due to some loss, I was crying by choice. Just felt that it had been many days I had not thrown something out of my system, didn’t realize that this is going to come out of me like that. The terrorized Oberoi Hotel was standing behind me like a support that is really needed, but alas the last thing that I needed at this moment was a support. I wanted to be left free.
It was a state that you are standing on a cliff and there are a thousand ropes actually holding you from falling. You know that you will not fall off, but then the wind that is flowing from above and from all the direction, is inviting you. You are now bounded but then you are also in the capture of the winds, where do you go? Do you want the ropes actually to hold you? Or you want the winds to take over? You know that these winds are not going to be for long, you know that these winds would probably throw you off the cliff, from which you are protected by the ropes, but still you are enjoying the soft touch of the winds. The ropes start you bite you, even when they are actually holding you against all kinds of odds, you are actually diverted towards the winds. You would probably care to die by the soft touch of the winds for once rather to stay in the bittercaptivity of the ropes. At this moment what could be the feeling that you could ever display? You are in a state of trance, when you actually want to be happy but tears roll down your eyes. You want to enjoy but the only enjoyment comes when the breeze actually cools you, and cools you more with the wet tears that you jerk out. Did you have an experience like this? Well, I bet even if you would have had, you would have been pragmatic enough to be not to display it. Question is if the pragmatism was actually worth it? I would say that I don’t think so. You were practical but then you lost the moment. The moment where you could have been probably with yourself or even possibly God and then probably been there for more and more time.
Someone told me that I would never attain the supreme nirvana because of my eccentric ways and iconoclast thoughts. I would just think that if this is not nirvana then what actually is? I was there alone surrounded by an atmosphere of silence in the middle of the night and then I was just shedding tears looking at the sea, and most importantly didn’t know why. I just did it, because I wanted to do it, I was enjoying it. I feel that something inside me just urged me to go to that place today and that too at the middle of night and do this activity.
Today I take this opportunity to thank God for this act. I was very happy. For once I left all inhibitions and did what I wanted to do, because probably I had run out of things to do at all under such a state.Yes you can say that I am MAD (Motivated Aggressive and Determined), but today I was just plain Kalyan, a person who just saw the best thing that you can ever see in the whole world and actually control it, one’s own life. I was living, I was no more this machine and definitely out of logical boundaries, even if it was for some moment.
Please share your unconventional experiences like this.